Who What Where When How
by Hollow Nightmare
Summary: [Oneshot] Luna interviews Harry for the Quibbler. Features a random, hyper Luna, and a bewildered Harry who has to learn to play along.


Who What Where When How

By Hollow Nightmare

Summary: The group from the Department of Mysteries is taking a trip to Muggle London, where Luna is intent on interviewing Harry for the Quibbler. Features a hyper, random (perhaps slightly jealous?) Luna, and a bewildered Harry who has to learn to play along.

Author's Notes: Don't ask. Based on real life incidents, and modified. Please review!

Warning: Major randomness. Might be slightly OOC, and some people might not understand the humor.

Luna: Why did -

Harry: Stop asking me 'why' questions!

Luna: Okay. Hmm... How far was Voldemort to be blamed for the war?

pause

Harry: That's a 'why' question.

Luna: It's a 'how' question.

pause

Harry: I don't know the answer.

Luna: Fine. When did the Muggle First World War start?

pause

Harry: 1914.

Luna: End?

Harry: 19... 19. pause It's about 1918/1919! Around then! pause 1918.

pause

Luna: When did the Wizarding Second World War start?

Harry: 1939.

Luna: When did Dumbledore defeat Grindewald?

Harry: 1945.

Luna: When did Voldemort's war start?

Harry: 19... pause No, I don't know. 19... 60? 1970. 1965?

pause

Luna: Ha, there is no actual answer to that.

Harry: It just started, like, after the Second World War.

pause

Luna: No... Not necessarily.

Harry: So it started before the Second World War?

Luna: Kind of.

Harry: What?

Luna: Oh, I don't know.

Harry: I don't study history.

Luna: What do you mean?

Hary: You do. And I can't even remember... what happened last year.

Luna: What happened last year?

Hary: Um, I don't know...

Luna: Hmm... What were the other questions? What, why, how.

Harry: Don't do another 'why' question.

Luna: Fine, I'll do a 'what' question.

Harry: There are all kinds of questions. Are there 'can' questions?

Luna: Yes.

Harry: Brilliant.

Luna: Okay, um. pause What year was Hermione born?

pause

Harry: It was, er... yesterday. No, I know. 197... 9.

Luna: He knows! _Hermione's a 1979 baby! _pause Harry!

Harry: Yes?

Luna: How long are Hermione's teeth?

pause

Harry: I... have no idea.

pause

Luna: Half a meter? They're very big. pause Yes. Yes, and they just get bigger. Harry, you look very uncomfortable.

Harry: I'm not uncomfortable.

Luna: Look, you're all uncomfortable.

Harry: I'm not uncomfortable.

Luna: Is it because you're sitting next to me?

Harry: No. I got over that.

Luna: What?

Harry: I got over that.

Luna: Well, that's nice! You look very nervous. Very on edge.

Harry: Yes.

Luna: Is it because Hermione's hanging over the edge of her seat? She's very intimidating. Very scary.

Harry: No. But look - I don't have any room here.

Luna: I need to put my gum somewhere.

Harry: What? You don't make any sense.

Luna: Yes, I do. I need to put my gum somewhere.

Harry: Your gun somewhere?

Luna: No! My gum somewhere.

Harry: Oh! I get it.

Luna: What?

_Harry: I get it._

Luna: Stop mumbling, Harry.

Harry: Put it in... Neville's pocket.

Luna: No!

Harry: Well, keep it in your mouth.

Luna: I don't want to keep it in my mouth.

Harry: Swallow it.

Luna: Haha. "Put it in Neville's pocket, or keep it in your mouth, or swallow it." Taken out of context? Hahaha!

Harry: Oh, just forget about it.

Luna: Am I annoying you?

pause

Harry: Yes.

Luna: So I'm annoying you?

Harry: Yes. I would say put it under the chair, but there's gum on the floor anyway. Put the gum with all the other gum.

Luna: Am I annoying you?

pause

Harry: No?

Luna: Am I?

Harry: No.

Luna: You have very girly eyelashes.

pause

Harry: Yes.

Luna: Oh, my gum! Where is it? Oh, it's on the floor now. Great.

pause

Harry: What?

Luna: Am I annoying?

Harry: No.

Luna: Am I annoying?

Harry: No.

Luna: Am I?

Harry: No.

Luna: Am I annoying?

Harry: No...

pause

Luna: This is what Hermione feels like at the end of the day.

pause

Harry: What does she feel like?

Luna: Very annoyed...

Harry: Why?

Luna: Very on edge... and... very nervous.

Harry: Why?

Luna: Because. When I'm tired, I just _talk_... crap. pause Like I'm doing now.

pause

Harry: I _know._

Luna: When I'm tired, I talk _so much_ crap.

Harry: You should just sleep.

Luna: I don't want to sleep! I need to pee!

Harry: That's... great.

pause

Luna: Harry! What are your thoughts on the political movement in the Ministry of Magic in Saudi Arabia?

Harry: Honestly, I don't _care._

Luna: I don't even know what I'm asking.

Harry: I don't even care. I don't think there _is _a political movement in the Ministry of Magic in Saudi Arabia.

Luna: How do you feel about... Tahiti?

pause

Harry: I don't _care._ I don't _feel_. pause _Anything._

Luna: So you're emotionless?

pause

Harry: No. I just don't...

Luna: So you're dumb?

Harry: ...feel anything...

Luna: So you're stupid?

Harry: ...about...

Luna: So you're tired?

Harry: ...Tahiti.

Luna: Okay, fine! How do you feel about England?

pause

Harry: I don't _know._

Luna: Think about it, then.

Harry: It's a very nice place. pause Yes. Otherwise, I'm not bothered.

pause

Luna: How do you feel about Hermione?

pause

Harry: I don't know.

Luna: How do you feel about Neville?

Harry: I don't know, either.

Luna: Think about it.

pause

Harry: He makes me feel... very...

Luna: Religious.

Harry: Religious? Why would he make me feel religious?

pause

Luna: Why not?

pause

Harry: I'm emotionless.

Luna: Oh, look at that fatty over there!

Harry: There are no people there.

Luna: Yeees... A man. With a... shopping bag.

Harry: Oh, yeah.

Luna: Great, I lost fifteen galleons. Did I lose fifteen galleons today?

Harry: What?

Luna: Oh, no...

pause

Harry: Okay.

Luna: Oo, look, my shirt stretches all the way down here!

pause

Harry: Er, "oo"... Isn't that... useful.

Luna: What did I do with those fifteen galleons?

Harry: You spent it.

Luna: What did I spend it on?

pause

Harry: Muggle lollipops.

Luna: I only bought... I don't know. What did I do with them?

Harry: You... er... I don't know. Lost them.

Luna: Hmm. Harry, how do you feel about the problems in the Ministry?

pause

Harry: They're very bad.

pause

Luna: What do you think about mental illness?

pause

Harry: I think it is rising. In Hogwarts.

Luna: Like sebbovs.

pause

Harry: Er, yes.

Luna: Why?

Harry: Because they're... round. pause And soft?

Luna: Do you have any animals?

Harry: Yes.

Luna: What?

Harry: An owl?

Luna: What is its name?

pause

Harry: Hedwig.

Luna: Dead wig?

Harry: No, Hedwig. My cousin hates it. My cousin's annoying.

Luna: Well, at least it's not like our sebbov, who has no name.

Harry: Your... er, sebbov... doesn't have a name?

Luna: No.

Harry: Oh.

pause

Luna: What is your cousin like?

Harry: He's very annoying.

Luna: Why?

Harry: He... just... is?

Luna: Okay. Hmm. So. We're going to dig to China now.

Harry: I see. Do you always dig to China?

Luna: No, usually Australia, because it's on the other side of the world.

Harry: Not from America.

Luna: I've always heard it's Australia!

Harry: That's because you're Luna. You're weird.

Luna: Not true. Oo, Hermione's mane has calmed down. So, am I annoying?

Harry: How could I _explain_ this? You're not annoying.

Luna: Yes, I am.

Harry: Not right now.

Luna: Good. So, Harry. Did you like the Middle Ages?

Harry: Erm... yes.

Luna: Have you ever had a girlfriend?

Harry: Er, sort of. Cho.

Luna: You went out with Cho?! When was this?

Harry: A while ago.

Luna: When was this?!

Harry: It wasn't even really going out.

Luna: When was this?!

pause

Harry: A few months ago. I don't like her now. She's annoying.

Luna: Like me.

Harry: No, you're a different annoying.

Luna: How?

Harry: I don't know. You're annoying in a different way.

Luna: Ah, okay. pause Should I be sitting like this?

Harry: No, people can look up your skirt.

Luna: Are they?

Harry: No, they're looking the other way.

Luna: Ah. Well. pause What is Harry's favorite ice cream?

Harry: I don't know. Um... I don't know.

Luna: Do you know _anything_?

Harry: I, well... No, I don't know anything.

Luna: Yeees... Hmm, what else can I ask you? Who was your last boyfriend - apart from Gred and Forge?

Harry: I never had any.

Luna: Aw... Which boy do you fancy now - apart from Gred and Forge?

Harry: None.

Luna: Fine. Which _girl_ do you fancy now - apart from Gred and Forge?

Harry: I don't know.

Luna: Hermione doesn't count.

Harry: I don't know.

Luna: Do you know anything?!

Harry: Not really.

Luna: Hmm, actually, Hermione's not a girl. Hermione's like a lion, so she definitely doesn't count. pause Stop fiddling with the McDonawho's ketchup!

Harry: Can I not do _anything_? And it's _McDonald's, _by the way.

Luna: No, you can't do anything. Just sit there and smile. Or something.

Harry: I could be emotionless.

Luna: Okay, if I can do one thing to you. Come here.

Harry: No.

Luna: Come here. pause Aw, he doesn't like it. I do this to my sebbov and it's like, "Stop! Stop! No!"

Harry: This place is nearly empty.

Luna: Yes, and those are the leftover hamburgers. What do the Muggles do with them?

Harry: They mash them up and put them back together again. Like Humpty Dumpty.

Luna: Humpty who? Oo, Hermione's mane is escaping.

Harry: That's why I don't like McDonald's.

Luna: Because Hermione's mane is escaping?

Harry: No, because the food is bad. Once we get on the Knight Bus I'll get food. If we get out early.

Luna: Hmm. Oo, why d they get something?!

Harry: I don't know. Did they get something?

Luna: Yes! Why?

Harry: I don't know.

Luna: How come the McMuggles didn't give us anything?

Harry: Because they don't like you. Did the other people get something?

Luna: Yes! Oh. No.

Harry: They didn't get anything?

Luna: No. How come they paid Muggle money?

Harry: Maybe they're dealing something...

Luna: Great. Like what?

Harry: Fries?

Luna: Great. Nicotine in the form of fries.

Harry: Why did you steal my ketchup?

Luna: Because. pause Did you know you have to pay for ketchup packets in some places? People collect them to avoid paying next time.

Harry: Oh, Neville does that. I don't know why, seeing as you don't have to pay for them here - Luna, what are you doing? You're going to break it! Oo, we're both fiddling with the ketchup packets. Look at us, we're like obsessed - hey! You put that in my bag and you're dead. Okay, Luna?

Luna: Okay.

Harry: Luna, stop fiddling with the ketchup packet!

pause

Luna: But it's soft.

Harry: Yes, and squishy. You're such a weirdo.

Luna: You can keep it.

Harry: For the bus journey?

Luna: We could make good use of it. Put it in your bag.

Harry: No. pause That's not working...

Luna: Can I open it?

Harry: No...

Luna: When are the others getting back?

Harry: What?

Luna: When are the _others_ getting back?

Harry: I dunno. But we can finish this interview tomorrow, okay?

Luna: Oh, God... Fine, if you stop fiddling with the ketchup. No! Don't do that, it'll squirt everywhere! Don't get that on me. Don't! You'll -

pause

Harry: Oops?


End file.
